Current mood:

aggravated

Okay, I need this in writing, right in front of my face so I can organize my thoughts on this. Because it's really buggng the piss out of me. So many things he's saying are invalid.

How the fuck can he say that our demise started with me getting pregnant? BULLSHIT. It started when he moved out of his mother's house. Before that happened, we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. He would cook for me, I'd cook for him, we could be all romantic in the kitchen (the time he dedicated "I'll be" to me was the single most romantic thing that's ever happened for me), we could just lay around and do whatever and sex wasn't a priority, it was still a discovery. We could get all dressed up and go to Rocky Horror and be ourselves and not worry about what other people thoguht. As soon as he moved into Josh's all that stopped and all of a sudden he had to be macho and we didn't have much alone time and when we did, it was "Hurry up and get naked." Sex wasn't romantic or a discovery anymore. Which sucked. He wouldn't go to Rocky Horror anymore because of what Josh may have thought. We couldn't use their kitchen, cuz there were so many people at the house. And he didn't like being at my house cuz we weren't allowed in my bedroom with the door shut. When he moved to Josh's, he became someone else.

And how the fuck can he say I didn't appreciate him? Oh my God, he went over the top and out of his way to be romantic for me. I definitely appreciated that. He held me when I cried about my greatgrandmother dying, and countless other times.

I held him when his father ripped him a new asshole about failing out of school. I held him when Mike died. And any other time he needed me to.

I'm the one who made him realize a certain significance about his anatomy, and gave it a nickname, to which he probably still uses with the others he's had since me.

I'm not blaming anyone for this part happening, it was the circumstances. If he hadn't moved out, maybe none of this would have happened the way it did.

I just don't understand how someone so caring and romantic and compassionate could just rip me apart like that. I don't fucking get it. And it pisses me off because it doesn't make sense.

I hate him for doing this to me, and I wish I could get over it already. Not get over what he did, get over any feelings that linger. But they are for the one who I met and fell for in a matter of hours-hell, minutes, not the person he became. or maybe the latter of the two really was him the whole time, and all the sweet words and acts were just that- an act.

*sigh*

I dunno.